Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
