I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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