I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
