Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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