So drunk its hurt
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
