Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
