This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just want nice things and good sex
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
