end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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