I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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