its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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