just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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