Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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