woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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