I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
