First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
