and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think your dad took our porno
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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