awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
