I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
