I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
