why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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