I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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