i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
