Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
