did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
