Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
