there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
