Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
