I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
