oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
