I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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