just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize