Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
