I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
