she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think my nap took me to another dimension
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
