you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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