Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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