im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
