I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
