We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
