i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
