the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
