I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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