We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
