I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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