You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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