Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
