accomplished twins. life is a go
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
