so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize