im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
