First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
