i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I checked into jail on foursquare
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
