just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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