Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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