you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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