Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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