either way he was missing a nipple.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
