Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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