planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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