I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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