wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
