it wasn't lemon gatorade
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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