Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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