dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
