Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
