My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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