Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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