I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
