Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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