I'm so fucking centered right now
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
